Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Old El Paso Replies to My Letter of Complaint with a Box o' Stuff



Here's a consumer complaint letter I sent to General Mills. (The cardboard I enclosed was the proof of purchase). Above is the loot they sent.

Christopher Goodwin
PO Box 676
Glen Echo, MD 20812

Juliana Chugg
Senior Vice President; President, Meals
General Mills Corporation
1 General Mills Blvd
Golden Valley, MN 55426

September 27, 2013

Dear Ms. Chugg:

The enclosed bit of cardboard packaging from a 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells has essentially the same mouth feel and flavor profile as the unfortunate taco shells the box contained. I am not mad, exactly, but you could definitely paint me with a Disappointed Brush, if painting is a hobby you enjoy.

In recent weeks I had come to rely on Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells—with their authentic Mexican roots—as the perfect container for my tasty Cole-Slaw-Textured-Vegetable-Protein-Canned-Corn-Broad-Bean-Garlic-Chili-Paste-‘n’-Catsup taco slurry.

It was with confidence and even a bit of swagger that I opened the 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells in question; after all, wasn’t the “BETTER IF USED BY” date well off into the undiscovered land of the future? November 22, 2013 seemed very far off. Surely the Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells would be as crisp and fresh as every other 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells that I had bartered for over the previous weeks were. (By the way, while it is an unusual tribute, having the 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells expire on the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s expiration, is nevertheless powerfully moving. I have no doubt that our fallen leader would have loved Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells if he had not been killed by Kevin Costner. Or was it Gary Oldman?)

As you may have deduced by now, I would like a refund for my 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells, nothing less and nothing more. I’m sure that the 10-count box of stale Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells was an exceptional mistake, flukey in the flukiest imaginable way.

Everybody likes a little lettuce with their tacos, so I enclose $2.00 cash to incentivize the prompt processing of my refund for the 10-count box of Old El Paso® Stand ‘n Stuff™ taco shells.

Off to the supermarket! I remain,
Your svt. &c.,

Christopher Goodwin

P.S.: I still very much enjoy your Fri-Tos salty snack product!